


Blank Pages

by NemuiNigen



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, M/M, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-05-26 11:37:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15000083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NemuiNigen/pseuds/NemuiNigen
Summary: When Roxas bottles up something troubling him, Axel decides to take matters into his own and hand and go snooping through Roxas's diaries. The end result will leave them both confused, questioning themselves as well as each other. Can they still be friends?





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I had written this story way back in 2009 before 358/2 Days was available in English. At the time, the original felt like it made sense, but since 4.5 new games having been released I thought it was time to update it. Looking back, the set up of the original was good, but the execution was lacking. I decided to give a try at rewriting it from a different perspective, a different chain of events, and a different ending.

The little black book felt as heavy as the largest tome of the Organization’s private archives in Axel’s hand. He gulped while replaying the past few weeks back in his head, fingers too stiff to do any more than trace along the book’s spine and stroke the exposed paper’s edges. It felt like he was about to commit a grave sin with he amount of “guilt” weighing down on his conscience, if you could even call it such. Axel didn’t ever actually feel guilt, or joy or pain for that matter. It had become second nature to recreate these feelings from fragmented memories he still had of his human life. He knew this, and yet still he hesitated with his actions. Why? Was it only because it was _Roxas’s_ diary he was holding instead of someone else’s?

A part of Axel felt like this was justifiable given that every other tactic had been exhausted. He had tried talking to him in private, asking around the other members of the Organization, even sought help from Namine, and to no answer to explain Roxas’s recent behavior. In the past few weeks he had noticed him constantly spacing out to a point where they’d have to pull out of heartless hunting missions if their prized keyblade was injured to greatly to continue. Was he concerned about Xion, or perhaps he had finally discovered his true origins from Sora! Anything could be possible,  given that Roxas wasn’t one to give even the slightest hint to anyone when concerned over something.

The many times Axel had tried talking to him, even cornering Roxas the younger Nobody had only shut him out, staring into his eyes until they felt felt disconnected not only with the world but also each other. It would feel like staring into space, and then Roxas would open a rift into the darkness and slip away without so much as a farewell. Even during their times on clock tower Roxas had been in silence, staring off into the distance, deep in thought. Axel was only trying to be there for his friend, to show that he cared for him, that it was the closest to genuine care a Nobody could give another.

So here he was, acting out in what would probably later come to light as irrational action taken, and with no fruit to show for his efforts. He was snooping through Roxas’s room while the boy was out on a mission with Saix for anything that might point him in the right direction. What better place to start with with the very book he had been give to write down his most private and personal thoughts? Deep down, Axel knew he shouldn’t be doing this. As he repeated that thought once more his fingers stretched along the book’s edge to grab at the corner and begin to pull back _very slowly._

Hearing the door to the room open was unexpected. Seeing Roxas standing in the doorway was even worse. Their eyes met for only a moment until Roxas looked at the book Axel was holding. For the first time in several weeks, and in a flashing moment sparks began to fly between then.

“What are you doing?!”


	2. Roxas's Side

 

“What are you doing?!” Roxas snapped.

He didn’t wait for an answer and lunged forward to snatch the book from Axel’s hands, anger and worry bright across his face. It was even more clear when Axel pulled back, keeping the item out of Roxas’s reach. A short, hissing grunt sizzled between his clenched teeth before trying again, jumping for it. “Gimmie my book back, **now!”** he ordered.

Axel, despite being caught, was able to remain calm in the situation, only backing up tiny steps at a time while keeping Roxas’s dairy from landing in its owner’s rightful hands. A part of him almost found it a bit comical, seeing his shorter friend trying so hard to grab at what was so high out of reach. No doubt he actually would laugh if the matter involved wasn’t something they both deemed so serious. Annoyed, he shoved his free hand out, holding Roxas back by a small distance. “Relax,” he finally spat out, brows pressed together, and his lips pushed into a slight frown. “I didn’t read it, I promise ya, okay?”

 

If only to stop Roxas’s continued pitiful attempts, Axel finally lowered his guard and allowed his friend to snatch the book out of his possession. He could immediately sense the other’s explosive anger with how forceful he was in swatting the little black book out of his hand and shoving him aside to place it back on the shelf, which seemed pointless and only temporary. He figured Roxas would find a new home for it once he was alone, again.

“Why were you in my room?- No just get out, already!”

“No.” Axel shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes narrowed, staring at Roxas’s backside with a fire in his eyes bold enough to set his skin ablaze. “Ya see…I ain’t leavin’ right now after all that. Ya got something ya maybe wanna finally share with me?” he watched as Roxas remained fixated on his bookshelf, on his diary. “I really didn’t get ta read it, but I ain’t stupid, Roxas. We’ve all seen how you’ve been actin’ lately and know somethins’ up with ya.”

“I said GET OUT!” Roxas only barked, turning around on his heels and slamming his fist behind him against the edge of the shelf. There was no gap between his immediate anger and grabbing onto his wounded hand as he hunched forward momentarily. “It’s none of your damn business, so just leave. If you won’t then I will!” He raised his hand up, ready to summon a portal to anywhere he could think of yet in the moment distraction while trying to think of where to go, he hadn’t seen Axel move.

“I don’t think so,” he heard the man’s voice ring from behind in his ear. Another flash and quickly, Axel grabbed both of Roxas’s hand to hold behind his back as he squirmed, trying to break away. “See you ain’t goin’ nowhere unless I’m followin’! So you better start talking, _or…”_ One hand let go, allowing Roxas a little more movement, but not enough to get away. “I’m gonna reach behind us both, grab that little book of yours, then I actually _will_ start readin’ it.”

He froze, only for a moment before jerking himself violently from side to side, but to no success in escaping.

“ROXAS! Just tell me what’s wrong, alright?!” Axel snapped as he gripped tighter around the smaller boy’s wrists, poking him with his nails. “Look, I’m sorry ta kinda play dirty like this, but I mean it! I’m worried about’cha!”

The way Axel said that almost sounded like he _could_ mean it. Roxas knew that Axel didn’t really _mean_ anything. Hell, Roxas wasn’t even sure _he_ could mean any emotion. Nobodies weren’t supposed to have hearts for such capabilities, right? None of it made any sense, really. If Axel couldn’t really care about him then why had he consistently, time and again, tried so hard to get the truth out him? More importantly, why had he himself been so stubborn to resist?

“I don’t want to tell you!”

“Why not?! Tell me that, at least!”

Roxas hesitated, trying to choose his words in his head carefully…until he felt Axel twist his arms again. “A-AH! Alright! It- It’s because I don’t know how you’ll react!”

“What- does it involve me?”

Roxas didn’t respond. Instead, he was falling into the same pattern as he had numerous times before. The younger boy was shutting down, first by letting his body relax, halting his struggle to escape. Then his breathing softened until he was no longer grunting or hissing. His head hung low and before he knew it, Roxas began to feel like he was drifting away. Any other sound or attempt to talk to him would become a distant echo, lost to sound of waves beginning to form in his head. _Just go somewhere else; anywhere but here,_ he’d tell himself. Any second now Axel would let go, give up and then…

 _Ouch!_ He grunted, grinding his teeth together as he felt Axel flick the backside of his head, firmly.

“You ain’t gettin’ outta this like all the other times so easily.” Axel’s actions may have been rough, but his voice was a lot calmer, now. He gave a quick _hmm_ before beginning to loosen his grip and putting his one free hand on the boy’s shoulder. His touch was tender, comforting. “Roxas…please, tell me,” he pleaded. “It’s really startin’ ta hurt seein’ ya like this. I don’t like seein’ my friend actin’ so distant and afraid. Sombodies already fear us. We shouldn’t be givin’ reason to fear each other, right? So please…please tell me. I promise, no matter what, I’m here for you, even if I’m the cause of it all.”

That was all Axel could say, he felt.  

Roxas felt his hands finally released and slumped forward, almost tripping in the process. He could have run away right then and there, yet…he didn’t. All he did was stand there, once again with his back facing Axel as he shook himself back into focus, rubbing his strained wrists. He gulped, feeling his mouth go dry. His knees locked up on him. This time he had been forced to listen to what Axel had to say, and although he knew not to trust anything said without true emotion behind it, the confused keyblade wielder couldn’t deny the burning hope that yearned inside of him to be able to believe his friend. A small amount of sweat began to collect at Roxas’s hairline. “You promise?” he choked up.

“I promise. You have my word.” It was hard to dismiss Axel’s “kindness” when the way he acted came across incredibly real. The easy, inviting smile on his face combined with the reassurance in his eyes could coax Roxas into doing anything. The way Axel maneuvered his hand, waving at him as if trying to guide the words out of Roxas’s head…was it actual concern, or just Axel’s own way of manipulation? Roxas couldn’t be sure of either.

There was a stiffness in his throat, like a stone had replaced his Adam’s Apple and was choking him. “Axel, I…” he swallowed the rest of his sentence and watched as the person standing across from him continued maneuvering his hand, urging him to speak. “…I like you,” he muttered as he averted his gaze to the floor. A sinking feeling overwhelmed his core, as if the stone in his throat had now sank down into his gut to pull him into an unseen pit below him. Axel hadn’t even responded and he was already regretting saying anything.

Axel just raised an eyebrow at Roxas at first. “Huh?” Had he really heard him correctly? He…liked him? Well he already figured that, since they were pretty close friends. It would be hard to imagine you not liking someone if you’re willing to spending just about every day with someone for months at a time. Wait…is that _really_ what Roxas was saying? “Wait you…ah, com’on. You ain’t serious, right?” A hearty laugh came from his belly as he stepped up to the shorter boy and put an arm around his shoulder. “That’s funny, but seriously. Now that we got a laugh out of the way, why don’t ya tell me what’s really eatin’ at‘cha?”

No response. Roxas couldn’t bring himself to say anymore when he had already spoken the truth. Furthermore, he wasn’t laugh. Only Axel was. There was a silence between them that only dragged out as Axel kept waiting, expecting any second now he’d give a chuckle and say something else. Nothing happened until finally Roxas just shook his head and muttered “I think I like you…” once more.

Though he wasn’t looking up at Axel, he could feel the man’s face drop from its usual smirk, bright eyes and all, to a very confused expression, one eye twitching, shoulders stiff, and head slightly pulled back in disbelief. “Wait- huh? Ya gotta be kidding right?” Axel’s voice sounded off. Before Roxas knew it the red head was standing in front of him again, both hands on his shoulders, almost shaking him. “You’re seriously tellin’ me you’re in love with me?! Roxas, c-com’on; no way, right! Tell me you’re jokin’ already!”

Roxas could hear worry and panic in Axel’s voice. He could almost say it sounded real. “I’m not joking,” he snapped as he looked, meeting the other’s eyes. “I’m serious! I think I like you, Axel!” The young male paused as a cough choked him up for a moment. He reached out to put his hands up between them both and pushed the other away. “I mean it! I…I really like you. Don’t you get it?!” His heart was beginning to pound in his chest, beating with force that he could feel against the inside if his ribs. He swallowed, trying to keep himself in check instead of having to force out every sentence between choking. “Every time I’m with you I feel like my chest is on fire. I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up! It’s like some kind of magnet or magic energy I can’t really put into words b-but I feel…special when I’m with you, Axel!”

All he could do was stare at Roxas, mouth agape and green eyes blinking. A gloved hand came up to rub along the backside of his neck as he mumbled noises of no particular meaning, trying to summon any kind of response to give. Axel really hadn’t expected something this serious to be the main issue. “I…I uh…” His eyes kept circling, refusing to meet Roxas’s despite the other trying to lock with his. “I don’t have a response for this, honestly.”

The silence between them was only growing more awkward by the second as Roxas waited for something that wasn’t going to be said. His hands were shaking with anticipation as they gripped onto Axel’s sleeve. Though he hadn’t said anything beyond the confession, it was obvious what Roxas was hoping to come next. “Axel…please? Just say anything!”

He shook his head. “Roxas…I…I don’t know about this. I mean you’re…and I’m…”

“What? I’m a what? D-does it really matter? I mean, we’re both Nobodies.”

There was a lot wrong with this idea that Roxas wasn’t understanding.

“Roxas…” Axel steppers back very slowly, doubt quickly clouding over the entire room until finally he flung his hands up, waving them about in protest. “Just…let me think about this for a while, okay? Can you. Give me that much? I guess that ain’t very fair after me forcin’ it outta ya but…I was expectin’ something more objectively solvable, ya know?” He let out a nervous chuckle as he watched Roxas’s face sink. He had only upset him. “Look, just…a day, okay? Give me one day and I’ll have an answer for ya tomorrow. I promise!” Quickly, Axel put up his more cheerful front. A smile, squinted eyes with a cocky smirk, and hunched forward besides Roxas with his arm around the other’s shoulder.

It was easy to control the atmosphere when you could complete fake their emotions, wasn’t it? Yet the gloomy tone that hovered around Roxas was not so easily dispelled. It was as if he was actually disappointed….

“Just a day? That’s how long I have to wait? I…I think I can wait that long,” he finally said after swallowing a lump in his throat once again.

“Excellent. Atta boy, Roxas! Don’chu worry. I promise ya, okay? And uh…we’ll get ice cream same as always afterwards if ya aren’t too angry or anything, okay?”

Another hard swallow. “Yeah. Alright, sure. I-it’s a promise…..”

 


	3. Axel's Story

_What have I gotten myself into?_

The tired Nobody turned the page of yet another heavy tome on the table in the library. A cup of coffee remained at his far right side, half full and ice cold from sitting out for so long. It didn’t matter how many reports he read from Vexen’s old journals, or Ansem’s discoveries. He already knew there wasn’t going to be anything he didn’t already know about Roxas that the Organization was keeping from their thirteenth member, even. This was a waste of effort, and further more a cop out.

What was he thinking; that he could just find some magic switch on Roxas’s body and shut off the other’s emotions? No. Roxas was a nobody who actually had a heart! That was the whole reason they recruited him into their ranks; for the sake of the keyblade. Yet, here he was, up late in the archives as if there was a textbook-ready answer for such a situation. He shut the book and turned towards one the large monitors to continue scrolling through the data files he had access to.

_Maybe I can find something useful in Xion’s records. If we’re able to manipulate and create a replica heart then maybe altering a pre-existing one isn’t as impossible as it sounds. Yeah, that might work. What if I can just change Roxas’s heart for good? I can make it so he wouldn’t ever feel this way for me ever again! That should work, right?_

Upon opening Xion’s creation files…Axel witnessed far too many folders and documents to even know where to begin. There were records of everything dating from the drafting stages to failed first attempts, theories pertaining or long term exposure, and even new discoveries being made every day as Xion’s existence continued alongside Roxas’s. It would take days- weeks even to sift through all of this information and still there was no guarantee the answer he was looking for would be in this mess.

_If it wouldn’t be such a big risk I’d consider reaching out to Namine, but…altering his memories could greatly effect Sora’s restoration. I doubt she’d agree. Hell, we don’t even know if memory alteration works the same way on a Nobody!_

The longer this wild goose chase went on the more hopeless he knew it was. Avoiding an issue like this wasn’t the way to go about it, but still…a part of Axel couldn’t face the truth staring him right in his tired, sagging face. He continued nonetheless, scrolling through data files, spreadsheets, and journal entries for about another hour. Angry, they slammed their fist on the desk before his fingers began to twitch, curling and uncurling ever slightly as his arms started to shake. “Damnit,” he hissed. “Why do I gotta deal with this shit?!”

“You’re up awfully late,” a low, spiteful voice thudded from behind with the sound of the library door sliding open and shut. “Quite a rare sight, seeing you here in the library.” There was always a heavy weight in the air when Saix was alone with Axel. The way his face remained ever still in a calm, yet threatening glare would leave any of the other members feeling forewarned. Axel was the only one not shaken by his presence.

He looked back from the chair he was sitting in to catch a glimpse at the berserker and quickly sank back down into a slump, sighing. “Oh, it’s just you. What, can’t a guy do a little studying in the evening? What do you want, anyway?” A sip from his cup was taken…and then immediately spat it back out when he realizes how cold it had become in the passing hours. He grumbled as Saix approached him to stare over his shoulder. 

“It would appear you are doing a bit more than just some light studying. What, with so many books and even needing access to Vexen’s old data journals. What exactly are _you_ up this evening is the real question.” He tilted his head just slightly so that his eyes were aimed at the back of Axel’s, the other refusing to ever look at him. He didn’t need the fire tamer to give an answer, as the evidence was scattered all over the desk in front of him. “It would be wise of you to not get too involved or attached to either of those two, Axel. You know what they are…and what will happen to _both_ of them in due time….”

A sharp, heavy silence filled room, broken only by the static hum of computer machinery at work in the background.

For a single moment Axel glanced up behind him, glaring at Saix out of the corner of his squinted eye. Brows furrowed. “I _got_ it…” he hissed. With that, he turned back to his work, wanting nothing more than to ignore his intruder. He reached for his coffee once more…only to repeat his mistake from earlier and earning a splash back as he spat the frigid, bitter liquid back into his cup. Coffee stained the area around his mouth. A coughing fit occurred as Saix made for the exit on the opposite end of the room.

“Axel…a warning, if I may.”

“Whaaaat? What is it? Ya gonna tell me I’m up past my bedtime, now?”

Saix only shook his head, keeping his eyes ahead of him. “Axel, I think it’d be most wise…for someone with fire control to reheat their cup on their own.” As he left he could hear the heated annoyance pounding on the desk, keys being slammed as the door slide shut behind him.

In an inferno of rage, Axel grabbed his coffee cup and down the whole thing, still ice cold until he applied his magic through his own body, and felt it warming up as it passed through his throat. “Screw this!” He snapped before standing up. “‘m not gettin’ any answers here, anyway. I’m leavin.’” Axel huffed as started gathering together all the books he and pulled from various shelf’s and stacked them up. It was bad enough having to collect everything but…putting them back would be even more tiring, especially at this hour.

* * *

 

The stain glass had a somewhat calming affect on the library late a night. With Kingdom Hearts’s glow projecting the murals to the library floor Axel had something to distract himself with from the wight of all the books in his arms. The Princesses of Heart, a portrait of Ansem of Wise, various heartless all colored the library walls and floor, bringing color the other otherwise bland and blinding white room. He grumbled as he turned the corner, away from the pretty sight to set one book back on its assigned shelf. One down; several to go.

_Am I even really annoyed to be doing this? I don’t even feel anything deep down….I’m not annoyed. I’m just sleepy…._

It was true, tho. All evening long he had just been recreating reactions and emotional outbursts he could remember from his human life. As heated as he would seem his heart would still pump at a relaxed speed, his blood pressure normal, and even no sweat drop to indicate being nervous. The closest thing to real emotions he felt were states of body like sleepy, hungry, or pain: body conditions that demanded action for the sake of survival. It was…he couldn’t even call it ‘annoying’ because it didn’t really feel that way. It was _numbing_ to him.

_If I can’t feel emotion doesn’t that mean I can’t feel disgust or hatred, either? Hell…if that’s the case then what’s it matter if I get ‘too close’ to Roxas **or** Xion for that matter? None of  it would be real. I could just say I like him back, fake the whole thing and give Roxas a few months of happiness until he…._

That was a thought he didn’t want to finish. He gave a quiet _nervous_ chuckle as he made to put up the second tome and continued on.

_I mean…it wouldn’t make any difference to me. After they’re both gone I’ll just go back to how I was before either of them were here, right? So who cares?! I wouldn’t be affected by it at all! Hell, it’d be like a charity service. I make Roxas happy for a while, get him motivated to collect more hearts, and then the Organization takes care him after we get what we want. Nothin’ personal. It’s just business, yeah._

A third book back where it belonged.

Axel paused, noting only two books remained. He noted that they were of the tomes he had selected to study on past heart experimentation and their anatomy. Overall they had been unless, none being able to explain how the heart actually worked, and if they in fact, did, then he hadn’t understood them. Sciences like this had always been to complicated for him to process. So…why was he hesitating to go return them?

_It…would mean nothing to me…but not Roxas. **He** still has a heart. Everything would still be very real to him. He’d think I actually like him back no matter much faking I do to make it seem real…and odds are I wouldn’t meet his expectations at that. I can’t do that to him…can I?_

Even the empathy he was “feeling” in the moment was a recreation from years ago. The foggy memory was hazing over in his mind, giving him the smallest connection needed to remain his true self as a Nobody. He ground his teeth together before biting down on his lower up. A hand curled into a fist as he finally shelved to last two books with the other.

_No…I can’t. And I can’t say how I don’t really feel anything. They may only be memories but…they are **my** memories. They are **my identity!** Keeping them close is all we have that help us remain like human! Artificial is all I got, damnit!_

He paused, feeling his train of thought snap.

_Yeah…just like Xion.. She ain’t real at all, but…she sill does everything Roxas can do just fine. She can collect hearts like Roxas, and her keyblade isn’t even a real one! It’s an artificial one created from Roxas’s memories. So…why can’t emotions work the same way and be just as valid?! Maybe…this isn’t as complicated as I was makin’ it out to be._

A hand cupped his chin as he continued this thoughts while making his way back to the desk he had been using to grab his coffee cup, and then for the library exit. The longer his thoughts played the more unsure he became about any possible way to handle this situation. Axel kept shaking his head from time to time, dismissing whoever plot had lit in his head until finally he just ruffled his whole body. The door shut behind him as he started to make his way through the castle halls for his bedroom.

_Let’s sleep on this for now. I think I almost know what I’m going to say to him tomorrow…._


	4. Ink Stains

The small Mickey Mouse clock on Roxas’s bedside table was louder than usual today. It was not that the alarm was going off, destroying any chance of peace within the room. Quite the opposite; such an alarm would almost be appreciated over the grating, tormenting silence save for endless ticking that echoed throughout. Each tick hammered in his head, taunting him as the young Nobody waited, eyes staring blankly at the adjacent wall from his bed and tracing along the frame around the only door. Every so often his fingers would clench halfway into a fist, only to limp back out, stiff and tired. To him, it felt like he was waiting for an execution sentence. His personal space was attacking attacked him; from the clock’s tic-tok snapping him awake and then the single half-moment of silence whispering in his ear. The handles were turning…but time had completely frozen for Roxas for the past 24 hours, listening to his countdown to despair. Yet the reality was that nothing was coming to an end, and despite Roxas’s state of numbness every world within the cosmos had continued on without him.

When the door finally slid open to reveal a dark, slim figure in the entryway he almost didn’t respond. When Axel’s eyes met with his own he came back and lunged forward, finally getting up. “A-Axel! Hi ya,” he said, trying to control his tone. Though cheerful it seemed, the deadpan face and doubtful look in his eye said he was already expecting this to go terrible. The fact that Axel wasn’t smiling at him, nor immediately mouthing off with a teasing joke or a taunt established the serious tone of the room even further. Roxas noted Axel’s stiff posture and hesitation to step in from the doorway.

 “Hey ya,” Axel finally responded as the door slide shut behind him. “I’m a little late, I guess. Didn’t get that much sleep last night.”

Roxas gulped as he swung his legs over the side of his bed looking down at the floor. Guilt tugged at his nerves a little as the faint image of his friend laying awake all night in his own room trying to figure out what he’d be saying _now._ The younger couldn’t help but be disappointed in himself, blaming himself for any stress Axel had been under since Yesterday. A nervous chuckle escaped him as he looked up. “Y-ya sure? Seems pretty normal to me. You’re always sleeping in no matter what’s going on.” Despite the tension, he was still trying to shift the tone of the room, keeping in control of his facial expression to be more relieved and voice more relaxed. Yet, his clenched fists resting on his knees and huddled shoulders gave away just how nervous he was, himself.

Axel raised an eyebrow and he remained silent for only a moment. He then forced out a laugh of his own, followed by placing a hand along the back of his head, fingers ruffling between spikes of hair. “Ya got that right. I guess this is what I get for sleeping in late every single mornin’ and during every vacation we get. Karma just ain’t really my friend right now, is it?”

It was painful to force his cheeks into a smile and giggle back at his friend’s comment, but it seemed to be getting the job done a least. They were both trying to ease into this, to keep everything light and more open than they both knew this would be. “Nope, I guess not. It’s your turn to be buy ice cream today, too. Man oh man, what’s next? Our boss going to demote you to a lower number?”

“With any luck. Lower number means lower responsibilities. Seems perfect to me.” Axel shook his head and shrugged. Enough faking could eventually lead to him almost feel like he was actually relaxed. He could control how he felt…or at least how he imagined he felt. With a long, but soft sigh, Axel finally walked over to where Roxas was still sitting on the side of his bed and place a single hand on the other boy’s shoulder, smiling as he hunched over him. “Less responsibilities means…more time ta sleep…and spend with you.”

Fluid began to collect in Roxas’s eyes when Axel leaned over him and suddenly kissed his forehead. His friend’s lips was soft and warm, like a fire against his skin. He felt his face become hot and his body flush with excitement, but also confusion. What was Axel doing? Had he just been nervous before? Did this mean he actually _did_ like him in return? He couldn’t control how he was feeling or the desire to reach out and grab hold of Axel’s coat, tight into his gloved fist for fear that they would separate any moment. It all happened in less than a full second’s passing, but in Roxas’s memory it all played out in slow motion as though it were a full minute.

When Axel finally pulled away he just…shook his head. The tired, sorry look on his face said all that was needed for Roxas to understand what the final answer was. “I’m…so sorry, Roxas,” he muttered in a pathetic tone user his breath. It had been all a lie, a plan from the start to just fake it, to act like he knew what to do.

 _Just pretend like you like him, give him what he wants and eventually you’ll feel the same way. You’re feelings are fake but they can still hold real value to other people. Kiss him, hold him, pretend you love him and then……_ Nothing. Axel didn’t feel anything. There was no memory of anything like this for him to draw an idea from, no understanding of what it meant to love another with every fiber of one’s own being. In his time alive Axel had many friends and had cared for many people. He had loved as a rival, and a playmate, as a brother, and so on, but…not once such as Roxas felt now.

He took hold of Roxas’s wrist, hand still clinging to his coat, and gently knelt down in front of him. “I…I just can’t do this.” His words impacted like a bullet to the heart, yet that did not stop him from trying to ease the other’s suffering. Axel tugged him forward, embraced him in his warmth. “I’m sorry, Roxas….” It was a good thing that the younger’s face was now smothered by his coat. This way it was impossible to see the annoyed, almost angry and bitter appearance on Axel’s. Faint curses were muttered under his breath. None of this would be going as either of them had hoped…

Confusion, anger, eagerness, spite, despair, and grief…even those didn’t feel like the correct words to describe the storm Roxas was feeling. What had just happened? First Axel kisses and and the next second he decides this wasn’t going to be possible?! It wasn’t making sense to him; none of this was. All he wanted to do at this point was scream and hit the person he was clinging to a the same time. Yet despite how fueled he was it was as though he had forgotten how to operate his body, incapable of moving even a inch. His fingers just tightened around the fabric of Axel’s coat until he could feel his own nails poke through it all and lightly poke at his palms.

“Why?” He finally forced out, almost coughing all the while.

Axel just shook his head. “I just can’t….”

There was a prolonged moment of silence before Roxas finally collected himself.

“I can’t feel…I don’t feel anything at all, Roxas…not for you; not…for anyone.” There was plenty more Axel knew he could answer with, but he bit his tongue for the moment. No doubt anything else would just upset the other further. He just stood there, arms now crossed over his chest and eyes aimed at the floor so that Roxas was only visible out of the corner of his vision.

Roxas’s reaction was hard to gauge, to judge with him just standing before him, hands balled up into fists and teeth gritted. It was clear that he was thinking, trying to make sense of all this for himself and reach some kind of solution that would either change Axel’s mind, or a way to let any frustration go. It wasn’t until the younger Nobody fell back onto his bed and sighed that Axel realized he had been holding his breath in… _suspense?_ Was that what he was feeling in the moment? Or was I worry or fear? He couldn’t be too sure, anymore.

Axel allowed his arms to drop before placing one behind his head to rub at his neck. “Roxas…I know this is tough on you but…trust me when I say it’s for the better.” No doubt this would have been considered a cop-out line if he was rejecting someone during his time alive, but this time it was different. Axel couldn’t return feels to Roxas in the same fashion beyond that of friendly care and concern. “It’s just…I don’t know if I can love you, or _anymore_ at all. I can’t be with you like this when I don’t have the memory to even pretend I lo…love you….”

He could tell he was only making it worse with the way Roxas just curled up and rolled over so that his back was facing him. Both of their hearts were sinking for completely different reasons at this point. “C’mon, Roxas…don’t be doin’ me in like this!” Axel turned around and sat down on the opposite end of of the bed for a moment of silence. The longer this would drag on the more hectic it would become, and they both knew it.

“The truth is…you’r feelings are real and…you…deserve someone that can return the same emotion.” There was a sting in Axel’s chest as he started speaking again. “Nobodies don’t have hearts. We know that to be fact. We can feel emotion. We can’t understand things like love or empathy, or…anything. All we have is our memories and if we lose those then everything is gone. We won’t even be able to fake our way through emotion, through concern for each other or the selfishness and rage we use as fuel to find our hearts once again!” Axel was stripping away the very reasoning he had used to build himself up to try and satisfy Roxas’s want for him to begin with. It felt like an act of self betrayal and hypocrisy. “But you…you have a real heart. Your feelings are real and you’re able to understand everything I never will b able to. So please…try to accept what I can give, even if it isn’t real. I…I want to give you kinship, kindness, connection…joy…Roxas…I…”

“Don’t say it!” Roxas finally spoke up, yet didn’t budge from the curled up position he was in, head now on his pillow and hood being pulled over his face.

It wasn’t a comforting sight to see and feel his friend’s heart crack and shatter into piece like this. None of this had gone how he had hoped, how he had originally planned, and now there wasn’t even anything to show for it. Axel had discarded his own attachment to belief that gave him a sense of identity, had betrayed a friend’s trust, and for what? Did it even matter given all that he had said just moments ago? Was the guilt in his bones really something worth dwelling on? Was the shame weighing down on his shoulders even really that heavy, or was it just a measly feather he could cast off at any moment if he chose? All of the hatred, the guilt, the concern and want to make Roxas happy…was this what it meant to love someone in the same way as Roxas had when all this started a mere twenty four hours ago?

“Roxas…I…….”


End file.
